Best 50 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh

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Best 50 Funny Quotes

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”
– Oscar Levant

Best 50 Funny Quotes

Best 50 Funny Quotes

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip

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Best Funny Quotes

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
– John Hughes

Best Funny Quotes

“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”
– John Maynard Keynes

Best Funny Quotes

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
– John Wayne

Best Funny Quotes

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
– Johnny Carson

Best Funny Quotes

“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
– Josh Billings

Best Funny Quotes

“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.”
– Josh Billings

Best Funny Quotes

“The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.”
– Karl Kraus

Best 50 Funny Quotes

Best Funny Quotes

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
– Katharine Hepburn

Best Funny Quotes

“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”
– Kin Hubbard

Best Funny Quotes

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

Best Funny Quotes

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
– Lana Turner

Best Funny Quotes

“That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.”
– Lauren Miller

Best Funny Quotes

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”
– Laurence J. Peter

Best Funny Quotes

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
– Laurence J. Peter

Best Funny Quotes

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
– Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Best Funny Quotes

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin

Best Funny Quotes

“The road to success is always under construction.”
– Lily Tomlin

Best Funny Quotes

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”
– Mae West

Best Funny Quotes

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”
– M. Scott Peck

Best Funny Quotes

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
– Marc Maron

Best Funny Quotes

“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.”
– Margaret Culkin Banning

Best Funny Quotes

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
– Margaret Mead

Best Funny Quotes

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“I am only human, although I regret it.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”
– Mark Twain

Best Funny Quotes

“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.”
– Martha Scott

Best Funny Quotes

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
– Matt Groening

Best Funny Quotes

“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”
– Meister Eckhart

Best Funny Quotes

“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.”
– Michael Shermer

Best Funny Quotes

“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
– Mike Myers

Best Funny Quotes

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington

Best Funny Quotes

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”
– Milton Berle

Best Funny Quotes

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
– Milton Berle

Best Funny Quotes

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
– Milton Berle

Best Funny Quotes

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
– Mitch Hedberg

Best Funny Quotes

“I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.”
– Molly Ivins

Best Funny Quotes

“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”
– Muhammad Ali

Best Funny Quotes

“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”
– Naguib Mahfouz

Best Funny Quotes

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”
– Natalie Wood

Best Funny Quotes

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
– Navjot Singh Sidhu

Best Funny Quotes

“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”
– Norm Crosby

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